Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Chapter Three: In Which Perry and Spudley Go Shopping and Catch a Plane
“So, why is all this here?” Asked Perry, gesturing toward the stores.
“To hide it from Giggles.” Said Earwig.
“Giggles?” Asked Spudley.
“Non-magic folk. Oh, we also have to hide it from The-Guy-Who-Must-Not-Have-His-Name-Said-Or-Bad-Things-Happen.” Said Earwig.
“What?!!” Asked Perry.
“Well. His real name is… Well, it’s… Lord Moldybutt.” Said Earwig. Then the ground opened up and swallowed a store. “Oh, DANG IT!!!” Yelled Earwig. “Every time. Every POOPIN’ time.”
“What store was that?” Asked Perry.
“It wasn’t important. Just knitting supplies.” Said Earwig. “We need to go to the Pot Shop.” They walked up to the Pot Shop. “Here it is.” Said Earwig. They walked in to see a little man. “Hallo. I am Buglulitlogoblogok.” Said the man.
“Bless you.” Said Perry.
“I didn’t sneeze. That’s my name. Anyway, you look like you need cooking pots.” Said the man. “These should do.” Two pots were magically called into existence. “That will be six Mokos each.” Said the man. They paid the man and took the pots, then left. “What else do we need?” Asked Perry.
“For simple but powerful spells: Wands.” Said Earwig. They went past a store with a bunch of kids looking in the window. “It’s the Cumulus 8,000. The fastest model yet.” Said one kid. They made it to the wand store and an old man walked out from the back of the store. “Perry Flopper. The famous little child.” Said the man.
“How do you know who I am?” Said Perry.
“Your star-shaped scar.” Said the man.
“But, it’s on my hiney.” Said Perry.
“I know all, Mr. Flopper.” Said the man.
“That’s kinda grody.” Said Spudley.
“These should do.” Said the man. Two wands were suddenly called into existence. “Go on. Give them a flick.” Said the man. Perry and Spudley took the wands and flicked them. The man suddenly dropped dead right there. “Well, I hope he don’t mind if we take ‘em fer free.” Said Earwig. Perry, Earwig and Spudley left the store when a bunch of people walked in. “How did he know that I was me by my scar?” Asked Perry.
“Because The-Guy-Who-Must-Not-Have-His-Name-Said-Or-Bad-Things-Happen hit ye with a powerful spell and gave ye a scar on yer behind.” Said Earwig. They stopped off at the pet store. “Yay!” Yelled Perry and Spudley. Perry pushed Spudley and ran for the pigeon section of the store. Spudley went to the discount section. They got pets and walked out of the store. “What did you get?” Asked Spudley.
“A pigeon. I’m naming him Jiggles. What did you get?” Said Perry.
“A Gummy Bear. I’m naming him Hugh.” Said Spudley.
“A Gummy Bear?” Said Perry.
“I got him in the discount section.” Said Spudley.
“All ye need now is some spell books, potion recipes and crocheting patterns.” They went to the bookstore and got some stuff. Perry met a boy who was rather rude about those who were born as a mix of Giggles and Wizard. “Half-breeds are so grody.” He said in his thick British accent.
“Markus. We need to go if we want to make it to school.” Said a girl’s voice in a British accent. “Oh, shut the poo up, Gryphon!” Yelled Markus. “See you at school, kid.” Markus left the store. “Perry. Let’s check our books out and we’ll head out.” Said Earwig. They left and hopped in the car. The car teleported to the perfect parking spot at the airport just as some one else was going to park there. “Oh! Come on!!” Yelled the other driver in frustration. “This is the fifth time in a row!!” Earwig, Spudley and Perry went inside. “Alright. You two need to head to terminal 3 ½.” Said Earwig. He clapped his hands and disappeared. “Oh my Josh!! He abandoned us!!” Yelled Spudley.
“No! You moron! He just left us here with no direction and he’s not coming back to help.” Said Perry.
“That’s abandonment, kid.” Said a security guard.
“Who asked you?!” Said Perry.
“Hey. You got a problem, take it up with the writer. He just put me here for comic effect.” Said the guard. “By the way, don’t ask me where Terminal 3 ½ is.”
“Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Because it don’t exist, you wack job!” Said the guard.
“This way to Terminal 3 ½!” A lady yelled, conveniently.
“That’s convenient.” Said Perry.
“I’ll pretend I never heard that.” Said the guard.
“That’s probably your best choice.” Said Perry. They walked up to the lady. “Excuse me. Do you know how to get to Terminal 3 ½?” Asked Perry.
“New students?” Asked the lady.
“Nope. We’ve been going for three years.” Said Perry, sarcastically. “That’s why we asked where 3 ½ was.”
“Here’s your sign.” Said Spudley.
“Excuse me?” Asked the lady.
“Sorry. We listen to a lot of Bill Engvall.” Said Perry.
“I thought so.” Said the lady. “You just get a good running start at it, then you smack through the point between Terminals 3 and 4.”
“Thanks.” Said Perry.
“Hey!” Yelled a lady in the distance. “She’s not a wizard! She’s a Giggle!”
“Oh poo!” Said the Giggle lady. Perry and Spudley took out their wands. “What are you doing?” Asked the Giggle.
“You know too much.” Said Perry. He flicked his wand and the lady was launched into the air and got caught in a jet engine. The plane crashed and blew up some where outside of the airport. “Hello dears.” Said the other lady. “You can call me Mama Freezly. My kids are right over there.” She said pointing to a group of blond-haired kids. “This is Jennifer. She’s too young to go to Frogwarts this year.”
“Hi.” She said shyly.
“Hi.” Perry said back. She blushed. “This is Donald. My youngest son. It’s his first year.” Said Mama Freezly.
“What’s up?” He said, trying to look cool. Then he farted, ruining the cool effect. Mama Freezly smacked up the back of his head. “Excuse me.” He said.
“This is Jeff and Jim.” She pointed to them. They waved. “And my oldest school-age child, J.B.” He waved.
“What does J.B. stand for?” Asked Spudley.
“My older brother’s name is Jack, and I’m his brother. And I was born during the Great Wizard Depression and my parent’s couldn’t think of a name, so they named me Jack’s Brother.” He said. Spudley and Perry were choking back laughs. “We should go to the Terminal.” J.B. ran at the In-Between and disappeared. “Alright Jeff, you next.” She said.
“I’m Jim! He’s Jeff!” Said Jeff.
“What ever.” Said Mama Freezly.
“I’m kidding.” Said Jeff. “I really am Jeff.” He ran at the In-Between and disappeared, same with Jim. “Uuuuuh… What just happened?” Asked Perry.
“They went through the In-Between, Mr. Silly Head.” Said Mama Freezly. “Um. What’s wrong with your friend?” Perry looked down. “Spudley! What are you doing?!” Yelled Perry. Spudley got up. “Sorry. I fainted from the surprise of seeing that.” Said Spudley. Mama Freezly picked Spudley up and chucked him through the In-Between. Then she did the same to Perry. The first thing he saw was a giant plane with vibrant, iridescent colors that don’t exist. “Whoa.” Said Perry. He went inside the plane and it was weird. It had little separate rooms in it. He picked the one that Spudley was in. “This is gonna be fun.” Said Perry.