Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter Three

Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Chapter Three: In Which Perry and Spudley Go Shopping and Catch a Plane

“So, why is all this here?” Asked Perry, gesturing toward the stores.
“To hide it from Giggles.” Said Earwig.
“Giggles?” Asked Spudley.
“Non-magic folk. Oh, we also have to hide it from The-Guy-Who-Must-Not-Have-His-Name-Said-Or-Bad-Things-Happen.” Said Earwig.
“What?!!” Asked Perry.
“Well. His real name is… Well, it’s… Lord Moldybutt.” Said Earwig. Then the ground opened up and swallowed a store. “Oh, DANG IT!!!” Yelled Earwig. “Every time. Every POOPIN’ time.”
“What store was that?” Asked Perry.
“It wasn’t important. Just knitting supplies.” Said Earwig. “We need to go to the Pot Shop.” They walked up to the Pot Shop. “Here it is.” Said Earwig. They walked in to see a little man. “Hallo. I am Buglulitlogoblogok.” Said the man.
“Bless you.” Said Perry.
“I didn’t sneeze. That’s my name. Anyway, you look like you need cooking pots.” Said the man. “These should do.” Two pots were magically called into existence. “That will be six Mokos each.” Said the man. They paid the man and took the pots, then left. “What else do we need?” Asked Perry.
“For simple but powerful spells: Wands.” Said Earwig. They went past a store with a bunch of kids looking in the window. “It’s the Cumulus 8,000. The fastest model yet.” Said one kid. They made it to the wand store and an old man walked out from the back of the store. “Perry Flopper. The famous little child.” Said the man.
“How do you know who I am?” Said Perry.
“Your star-shaped scar.” Said the man.
“But, it’s on my hiney.” Said Perry.
“I know all, Mr. Flopper.” Said the man.
“That’s kinda grody.” Said Spudley.
“These should do.” Said the man. Two wands were suddenly called into existence. “Go on. Give them a flick.” Said the man. Perry and Spudley took the wands and flicked them. The man suddenly dropped dead right there. “Well, I hope he don’t mind if we take ‘em fer free.” Said Earwig. Perry, Earwig and Spudley left the store when a bunch of people walked in. “How did he know that I was me by my scar?” Asked Perry.
“Because The-Guy-Who-Must-Not-Have-His-Name-Said-Or-Bad-Things-Happen hit ye with a powerful spell and gave ye a scar on yer behind.” Said Earwig. They stopped off at the pet store. “Yay!” Yelled Perry and Spudley. Perry pushed Spudley and ran for the pigeon section of the store. Spudley went to the discount section. They got pets and walked out of the store. “What did you get?” Asked Spudley.
“A pigeon. I’m naming him Jiggles. What did you get?” Said Perry.
“A Gummy Bear. I’m naming him Hugh.” Said Spudley.
“A Gummy Bear?” Said Perry.
“I got him in the discount section.” Said Spudley.
“All ye need now is some spell books, potion recipes and crocheting patterns.” They went to the bookstore and got some stuff. Perry met a boy who was rather rude about those who were born as a mix of Giggles and Wizard. “Half-breeds are so grody.” He said in his thick British accent.
“Markus. We need to go if we want to make it to school.” Said a girl’s voice in a British accent. “Oh, shut the poo up, Gryphon!” Yelled Markus. “See you at school, kid.” Markus left the store. “Perry. Let’s check our books out and we’ll head out.” Said Earwig. They left and hopped in the car. The car teleported to the perfect parking spot at the airport just as some one else was going to park there. “Oh! Come on!!” Yelled the other driver in frustration. “This is the fifth time in a row!!” Earwig, Spudley and Perry went inside. “Alright. You two need to head to terminal 3 ½.” Said Earwig. He clapped his hands and disappeared. “Oh my Josh!! He abandoned us!!” Yelled Spudley.
“No! You moron! He just left us here with no direction and he’s not coming back to help.” Said Perry.
“That’s abandonment, kid.” Said a security guard.
“Who asked you?!” Said Perry.
“Hey. You got a problem, take it up with the writer. He just put me here for comic effect.” Said the guard. “By the way, don’t ask me where Terminal 3 ½ is.”
“Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Because it don’t exist, you wack job!” Said the guard.
“This way to Terminal 3 ½!” A lady yelled, conveniently.
“That’s convenient.” Said Perry.
“I’ll pretend I never heard that.” Said the guard.
“That’s probably your best choice.” Said Perry. They walked up to the lady. “Excuse me. Do you know how to get to Terminal 3 ½?” Asked Perry.
“New students?” Asked the lady.
“Nope. We’ve been going for three years.” Said Perry, sarcastically. “That’s why we asked where 3 ½ was.”
“Here’s your sign.” Said Spudley.
“Excuse me?” Asked the lady.
“Sorry. We listen to a lot of Bill Engvall.” Said Perry.
“I thought so.” Said the lady. “You just get a good running start at it, then you smack through the point between Terminals 3 and 4.”
“Thanks.” Said Perry.
“Hey!” Yelled a lady in the distance. “She’s not a wizard! She’s a Giggle!”
“Oh poo!” Said the Giggle lady. Perry and Spudley took out their wands. “What are you doing?” Asked the Giggle.
“You know too much.” Said Perry. He flicked his wand and the lady was launched into the air and got caught in a jet engine. The plane crashed and blew up some where outside of the airport. “Hello dears.” Said the other lady. “You can call me Mama Freezly. My kids are right over there.” She said pointing to a group of blond-haired kids. “This is Jennifer. She’s too young to go to Frogwarts this year.”
“Hi.” She said shyly.
“Hi.” Perry said back. She blushed. “This is Donald. My youngest son. It’s his first year.” Said Mama Freezly.
“What’s up?” He said, trying to look cool. Then he farted, ruining the cool effect. Mama Freezly smacked up the back of his head. “Excuse me.” He said.
“This is Jeff and Jim.” She pointed to them. They waved. “And my oldest school-age child, J.B.” He waved.
“What does J.B. stand for?” Asked Spudley.
“My older brother’s name is Jack, and I’m his brother. And I was born during the Great Wizard Depression and my parent’s couldn’t think of a name, so they named me Jack’s Brother.” He said. Spudley and Perry were choking back laughs. “We should go to the Terminal.” J.B. ran at the In-Between and disappeared. “Alright Jeff, you next.” She said.
“I’m Jim! He’s Jeff!” Said Jeff.
“What ever.” Said Mama Freezly.
“I’m kidding.” Said Jeff. “I really am Jeff.” He ran at the In-Between and disappeared, same with Jim. “Uuuuuh… What just happened?” Asked Perry.
“They went through the In-Between, Mr. Silly Head.” Said Mama Freezly. “Um. What’s wrong with your friend?” Perry looked down. “Spudley! What are you doing?!” Yelled Perry. Spudley got up. “Sorry. I fainted from the surprise of seeing that.” Said Spudley. Mama Freezly picked Spudley up and chucked him through the In-Between. Then she did the same to Perry. The first thing he saw was a giant plane with vibrant, iridescent colors that don’t exist. “Whoa.” Said Perry. He went inside the plane and it was weird. It had little separate rooms in it. He picked the one that Spudley was in. “This is gonna be fun.” Said Perry.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Long time, no see

Sorry I haven't post in like... I think two months. But I'll have a flurry of chapters for three books hopefully week after week. The continuation of Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone, a new book called The Lord of the Cheese Curds, and my first non-parody book, Dasher.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter Two: In Which Perry Visits the Bank

Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Chapter Two: In Which Perry Visits the Bank

Monday is boring. I mean bo-ring. Triple d-l-h. What does that spell? That’s right, dddlh. But we are talking about how boring Monday’s are. Well, the mail came. That was kind of boring. Perry got the mail and looked at it. Bills, bills, bills, bills and a letter that said ‘Mr. P. Flopper, Aunty’s House, Snowberry Blvd.’ It wasn’t that exciting… Wait! A letter signed for Perry?! That’s really exciting. It was so exciting that Perry threw up. Spudley slipped in Perry’s barf and when he realized happened, he barfed, too. Then, Aunty barfed just because I think it’s funny. “I got a letter!” Yelled Perry. He put the bills in the paper shredder and went to Aunty. “Perry K. Flopper! Did you just put the bills in the paper shredder?!” Asked Aunty.
“Yes, Aunty.” Said Perry.
“Good boy.” Said Aunty. “Now, what is it that you want, dear?”
“I have a letter. I want to read it.” Said Perry.
“Alright, dear.” Said Aunty. “Spudley!! You miserable little poopy!! Get down here!!”
“Coming!!” Said Spudley. He made it down stairs and Aunty slapped him. “Dear Mr. Perry Korneelius Flopper. We would be glad to accept you at Frogwarts School of Stitchcraft and Wizardry. You are attending whether you like it or not. We already went through the trouble of sending someone to get you. Signed, -Minnie Mongolia. P.S. Spudley’s invited, too. ;)” Read Perry. “Can I go? Huh??”
“Yes. Whatever makes you happy.” Said Aunty. “But, please. Take Spudley with you. I hate that little poopy.”
“I’m sitting right here. I can hear everything you’re saying.” Said Spudley.
“Yes, I know.” Said Aunty. Suddenly, the door came down and a tall, hairy man walked inside. “Who are you?” Asked Perry.
“I’m Earwig. I dropped ye off here when ye was just a wee tike.” Said the man.
“Dropped him off? Dropped him off?!! I was forced to buy him from you!!!” Yelled Aunty with enormous fury and rage.
“Ooh. I hate repeat customers.” Said Earwig. “Alrighty, let’s go.”
“Our bags aren’t packed.” Said Perry.
“Yeah they are. They’re in the car.” Said Earwig. “Let’s go.” Perry, Spudley and Earwig hopped in the car and drove all the way to Washington, D.C. They drove straight at the Washington Monument. “What are you doing?! We’re gonna crash!!” Yelled Spudley. Perry and Spudley closed their eyes and when they opened them, they were in a large parking lot. Washington seems to have disappeared. All Perry saw was a street with lots of people and little shops. Spudley still had his eyes closed and was praying. “Spudley. Spudley!” Perry got no response. He got in real close to Spudley’s ear. “Hey!! Spudley!!!” Screamed Perry.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Spudley in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Earwig in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Perry in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” They all screamed in fright.
“What?!!!” Asked Spudley.
“What do you mean ‘what’?” Yelled Perry.
“What do you want?” Yelled Spudley.
“We’re here, Boogerbag!!” Yelled Perry.
“Is your cell phone ringing, Earwig?” Asked Spudley.
“I don’t have a cell phone.” Said Earwig. Spudley turned to Perry. “Don’t look at me.” Said Perry.
“There’s nothing ringing, Spudley.” Said Earwig.
“Oh.” Said Spudley. Spudley barfed. They got out of the car and walked toward the shops. “Here we are. Horizont Alley.” Said Earwig. “Ye’re gonna buy all yer school supplies here.”
“How are we going to pay for it?” Asked Spudley.
“We go to Baggy Shorts Bank. They have everyone’s money there.” Said Earwig. They walked to the door of the bank and stopped. “Why did we stop?” Asked Spudley.
“Shhh.” I said. “This is my favorite part.” Earwig took out three ski masks and gave two to Perry and Spudley. “Put these on.” He said.
“Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Just do it.” Said Perry. They all put the masks on and Earwig took out a toy gun. They walked in and Earwig fired the gun. “Nobody get any funny ideas!” Said Earwig.
“Aaaah! He’s got a toy gun!” Yelled the goblins running the bank. Earwig pointed the gun at the goblin. “What do you want?” Asked the head goblin.
“Everything.” Said Earwig. “Especially what’s in Vault 90210.”
“Oh my. How did you know about that?” Asked the head goblin.
“Just do it.” Said Earwig. The head goblin brought them to every single vault. All one hundred gazillion of them. Then they reached Vault 90210. The last vault. The head goblin opened the door and Earwig shot him with the toy gun. The goblin dropped dead. Earwig went in and took the tiny sack inside. They shot all the goblins and killed them with the toy gun. They left the bank and headed into the street. “What was with the whole ‘Vault 90210’ thing?” Asked Perry as they took the masks off.
“Some questions are better left unanswered.” Said Earwig. Perry boggled his mind trying to figure things out. “How do you know what I’m doing?” Asked Perry.
“Because I’m the writer. I know everything.” I said.
“Oh. Yeah.” Said Perry.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter One: In Which Perry Goes to the Worm Exhibit

“Today we celebrate exactly eleven years since we lost Uncle, but we got a little angel.” Said Aunty.
“Thanks, Mom” Said Spudley.
“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Spudley.” Said Aunty. “I was talking about Perry.”
“Thanks, Aunty.” Said Perry.
‘I should have known she wasn’t complementing me.’ Thought Spudley.
“I heard that.” Said Aunty.
“How?! I thought it!” Said Spudley.
“I read the past couple of lines to kill some time.” Said Aunty.
“Poo!” Said Spudley. “I hate that writer. He makes my mom read everything I say.”
“I heard that.” I said.
“Poo!” Said Spudley.
“Enough with the profanity, Spudley!” Yelled Perry.
“Poo.” Said Spudley.
“That’s it!!” Yelled Perry. He jumped on Spudley and started strangling him. “Get him, Perry! Kill that little poopy!” Yelled Aunty.
"Excuse me." I said.
"Yes?" Asked Aunty.
"Could you quiet down a bit? I'm trying to write a book." I replied. I got back to writing as they continued their lives.
“The writer is a really weird." Said Spudley.
“Don’t start with me.” I said.
“Okay.” Said Spudley.

“We are going to the zoo today.” Said Aunty.
“It’s enough of a zoo in here already.” I said.
They got packed up and got in the car. They drove for a while.
“Are we there yet?” Asked Spudley.
“Shut the poo up, Spudley.” Said Aunty.
“Let me handle this.” Said Perry. “Are we there yet?”
“No, Dear.” Said Aunty. “Not yet.”
They pulled into the parking lot. “We’re here!” Spudley exclaimed.
“Shut up, Spudley. Or I’ll make you stay in the car.” Said Aunty.
“Can we get those frozen ice cream dots while we’re here, Aunty?” Asked Perry.
“Anything for you, Perry.” Said Aunty. They got ice cream dots and didn’t give any to Spudley. “Hey, Spudley. This is your best birthday ever.” Said Perry. They found the alligator exhibit. Perry pushed Spudley in. Spudley limped behind Perry and Aunty on the way to the lion exhibit. After the lions, Spudley wheel chaired behind Perry and Aunty to the tigers. After that, Spudley was hooked up to an I.V. They made it to the insect house when the tarantulas escaped. Spudley needed a cast on his left leg. The scorpions escaped and Spudley then needed a right leg cast. “This is killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Quit whining, Spudley!” Said Aunty. They went to the gorilla exhibit. “Hey. That looks like the gorilla that shattered the glass in Milwaukee.” Said Perry.
“Yeah. But he’s dead now.” Said Aunty.
“Samson was one poo of a monkey.” Said Spudley.
“Spudley! You idiot! Samson was an ape! Not a monkey! By the way, shut up or I’ll send you to the car!” Said Aunty.
“We shouldn’t have brought him.” Said Perry.
“But it’s my birthday.” Said Spudley.
“Shut up, Spudley! Don’t be an idiot!” Said Aunty. They went to the Sasquatch exhibit. Spudley needed a right arm cast. They went to the Loch Ness Monster exhibit. Spudley needed a left arm cast. They went to the Kraken exhibit. Spudley needed a neck brace. “This is really killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Want some painkillers?” I asked.
“Is this going to be a regular thing with you?” Spudley asked.
“Maybe, maybe not.” I said. “I could be a professor at your school, I might not.”
“Professor? School? What?!” Spudley asked.
“I forgot. I haven’t gotten that far.” I said. “I hope I didn’t give away any spoilers.”
“I have a question.” Said Spudley.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Why were Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and the Kraken in the zoo?” Asked Spudley.
“It’ll be explained in a later chapter.” I said.
“Ok.” Said Spudley. They finally made it to the alligators again. Spudley decided to jump in this time to end his suffering. This part is too graphic and bloody to describe in a story like this, so it must be censored. All I can say is that they had to get the National Guard, the Navy, the Army, the Marines and me to pull him out. “NOOOOO!! WHY DID YOU PULL ME OUT?!! WHY?!!” Yelled Spudley.
“No, Spudley. Don’t kill yourself. You aren’t good enough to get off easy.” Said Aunty. They made it to the shark pool. Perry pushed Spudley into this one, too. Spudley made it out. “Why, Perry? Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Because nobody likes you.” Said Perry. They made it to the worm exhibit. Spudley pressed his face against the glass of the cage, wishing he was in there rather than out here where Aunty and Perry are. Spudley’s weight then caused the glass to shatter as he fell into the cage. The worm sat up and looked at Perry. “Uh. Hi.” Said Perry.
“Well howdy-do.” Said the worm. “Where’s you from?”
“New Jersey.” Said Perry. “Where are you from?”
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I’s born right here. I’m an earthworm. Well, half earthworm. My mammy was an earthworm, my pappy was a tapeworm. It’s very compleecatered. What kinda hoomin is you?”
“Um, New Jersian. Well, half New Jersian. My mom was from New Jersey, my dad was from Phillips. It’s complicated.” Said Perry.
“Phillips? What state?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin.” Said Perry.
“Where?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin!” Said Perry.
“Never heard of it.” Said the worm. “Is it close to Green Bay?” Perry stood there with his mouth open. “Yes.” Said Perry.
“Oh. Now I know where yer talkin’ ‘bout. I thought that state was just for beer, hunting and cheese. I di’n’t know people actually live there.” Said the worm.
“Yeah. People live there.” Said Perry.
“How many cows were on yer daddies farm?” Asked the worm.
“He didn’t have any cows or a farm.” Said Perry.
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I thought everyone in Wisconsin had a farm.”
“Nope.” Said Perry.
“Well. I’d better git goin’.” Said the worm. “See ya later, ya stupid hick.” The worm slithered away quietly. “You talk to worms?” Asked Spudley.
“Yeah. I guess I do.” Said Perry. They went out to the car after a long day at the zoo and went home.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Part 1

Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Prologue: In Which Perry Get’s Dropped Off at His Overly Friendly Relatives’ House

Today is a usual, dull, boring day for the Giggleflapindoodlecuttymcflyfurths. Aunty went into intense labor yesterday and brought Spudley home today. It was boring. Uncle got hit by six semis, three motorcycles, two SUVs and a kid on a trike. Boring. Uncle arrived home and said, “It was a usual, dull, boring day at work.” Uncle’s job was to be an idiot in traffic. It paid good, but he wanted more zest in his jobs. More excitement, more adventure. He wanted to be, a Mailman. He got paid one hundred dollars for every semi, fifty dollars for every motorcycle, twenty-five dollars for every SUV, and half a buck for every tricycle that hit him. No one knows how he got that job or who gave it to him. All they know is that it has something to do with a loan shark in Toledo. “Oh poo.” Said Aunty.
“What?” Asked Uncle.
“I won the lottery again.” She said. “I was hoping for something a bit different.” Night soon fell on Skillet Drive. A small bat perched on the sign. A strange man with weird glasses and a long white beard walked down the street. “Hello, Professor Mongolia.” He said to the bat. The bat’s structure suddenly shifted and squirm until it turned into a tall woman with gray hair. Professor Mongolia fell of the sign and hurt her back. “Ow! I fell off the sign and hurt my back! Just like the previous sentence said!” Said Mongolia. “Hello, Headmaster Dumblestiltskin.” They walked to the end of the street as if they were waiting for someone. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a broomstick! No! It’s Earwig in his flying minivan! “Uh oh!” Said Earwig. “The engine’s on fire!” He grabbed a basket and hopped out the door as the van spiraled downward. “What’s all that racket?!” Uncle yelled as he ran out into the street. The flying van crashed into him and blew up. Earwig landed on his feet and handed the basket to Dumblestiltskin. The three of them walked up to the door and knocked. A frightened Aunty opened the door. “Ma’am. Are you okay?” Asked Earwig.
“Oh. I’m watching Friday the 13th. Would you care to join me?” Asked Aunty.
“No Ma’am. We are here strictly on business.” Said Dumblestiltskin.
“What kind of business?” Asked Aunty.
“We’re baby salesmen.” Said Mongolia.
“Isn’t that illegal?” Asked Aunty.
“Yes.” Said Mongolia.
“I’ll take it.” Said Aunty. “How much?”
“Thirty-one dollars.” Said Earwig.
“Ooh. That’s a little expensive for a baby.” Said Aunty.
“ Alright. We’ll take off fifteen percent.” Said Dumblestiltskin.
“Ok.” Said Aunty. She gave them the money, took the baby and closed the door. “Hey.” Said Aunty. “This is my nephew.”

Intro to Perry Flopper

I tried writing one book and three tv shows (Just for fun, I wasn't gonna turn them into actual tv shows) while I was thinking of Perry Flopper. I actually began writing Perry Flopper and finished in a three month period. It was a rather short story. I printed it as a rough draft and I am writing an edited and extended version on my blog. Happy reading.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

This is my blog

Hi. I am Teo. This is my blog. I like writing fantasies, parodies and fantasy parodies. My life is normal and dull. That's why I write. Instead of writing about my boring, dull little boop of an existence, I will write about interesting people from inside my head. Perry Flopper, Lord of the Cheese Curds, Moonlight. If it's a good book or movie, I have a parody that can make fun of it. I am Teo, and with this Fantasy/Parody blog, you'll take a trip inside my head.