Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Chapter Two: In Which Perry Visits the Bank
Monday is boring. I mean bo-ring. Triple d-l-h. What does that spell? That’s right, dddlh. But we are talking about how boring Monday’s are. Well, the mail came. That was kind of boring. Perry got the mail and looked at it. Bills, bills, bills, bills and a letter that said ‘Mr. P. Flopper, Aunty’s House, Snowberry Blvd.’ It wasn’t that exciting… Wait! A letter signed for Perry?! That’s really exciting. It was so exciting that Perry threw up. Spudley slipped in Perry’s barf and when he realized happened, he barfed, too. Then, Aunty barfed just because I think it’s funny. “I got a letter!” Yelled Perry. He put the bills in the paper shredder and went to Aunty. “Perry K. Flopper! Did you just put the bills in the paper shredder?!” Asked Aunty.
“Yes, Aunty.” Said Perry.
“Good boy.” Said Aunty. “Now, what is it that you want, dear?”
“I have a letter. I want to read it.” Said Perry.
“Alright, dear.” Said Aunty. “Spudley!! You miserable little poopy!! Get down here!!”
“Coming!!” Said Spudley. He made it down stairs and Aunty slapped him. “Dear Mr. Perry Korneelius Flopper. We would be glad to accept you at Frogwarts School of Stitchcraft and Wizardry. You are attending whether you like it or not. We already went through the trouble of sending someone to get you. Signed, -Minnie Mongolia. P.S. Spudley’s invited, too. ;)” Read Perry. “Can I go? Huh??”
“Yes. Whatever makes you happy.” Said Aunty. “But, please. Take Spudley with you. I hate that little poopy.”
“I’m sitting right here. I can hear everything you’re saying.” Said Spudley.
“Yes, I know.” Said Aunty. Suddenly, the door came down and a tall, hairy man walked inside. “Who are you?” Asked Perry.
“I’m Earwig. I dropped ye off here when ye was just a wee tike.” Said the man.
“Dropped him off? Dropped him off?!! I was forced to buy him from you!!!” Yelled Aunty with enormous fury and rage.
“Ooh. I hate repeat customers.” Said Earwig. “Alrighty, let’s go.”
“Our bags aren’t packed.” Said Perry.
“Yeah they are. They’re in the car.” Said Earwig. “Let’s go.” Perry, Spudley and Earwig hopped in the car and drove all the way to Washington, D.C. They drove straight at the Washington Monument. “What are you doing?! We’re gonna crash!!” Yelled Spudley. Perry and Spudley closed their eyes and when they opened them, they were in a large parking lot. Washington seems to have disappeared. All Perry saw was a street with lots of people and little shops. Spudley still had his eyes closed and was praying. “Spudley. Spudley!” Perry got no response. He got in real close to Spudley’s ear. “Hey!! Spudley!!!” Screamed Perry.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Spudley in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Earwig in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Perry in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” They all screamed in fright.
“What?!!!” Asked Spudley.
“What do you mean ‘what’?” Yelled Perry.
“What do you want?” Yelled Spudley.
“We’re here, Boogerbag!!” Yelled Perry.
“Is your cell phone ringing, Earwig?” Asked Spudley.
“I don’t have a cell phone.” Said Earwig. Spudley turned to Perry. “Don’t look at me.” Said Perry.
“There’s nothing ringing, Spudley.” Said Earwig.
“Oh.” Said Spudley. Spudley barfed. They got out of the car and walked toward the shops. “Here we are. Horizont Alley.” Said Earwig. “Ye’re gonna buy all yer school supplies here.”
“How are we going to pay for it?” Asked Spudley.
“We go to Baggy Shorts Bank. They have everyone’s money there.” Said Earwig. They walked to the door of the bank and stopped. “Why did we stop?” Asked Spudley.
“Shhh.” I said. “This is my favorite part.” Earwig took out three ski masks and gave two to Perry and Spudley. “Put these on.” He said.
“Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Just do it.” Said Perry. They all put the masks on and Earwig took out a toy gun. They walked in and Earwig fired the gun. “Nobody get any funny ideas!” Said Earwig.
“Aaaah! He’s got a toy gun!” Yelled the goblins running the bank. Earwig pointed the gun at the goblin. “What do you want?” Asked the head goblin.
“Everything.” Said Earwig. “Especially what’s in Vault 90210.”
“Oh my. How did you know about that?” Asked the head goblin.
“Just do it.” Said Earwig. The head goblin brought them to every single vault. All one hundred gazillion of them. Then they reached Vault 90210. The last vault. The head goblin opened the door and Earwig shot him with the toy gun. The goblin dropped dead. Earwig went in and took the tiny sack inside. They shot all the goblins and killed them with the toy gun. They left the bank and headed into the street. “What was with the whole ‘Vault 90210’ thing?” Asked Perry as they took the masks off.
“Some questions are better left unanswered.” Said Earwig. Perry boggled his mind trying to figure things out. “How do you know what I’m doing?” Asked Perry.
“Because I’m the writer. I know everything.” I said.
“Oh. Yeah.” Said Perry.