Thursday, August 12, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter One: In Which Perry Goes to the Worm Exhibit

“Today we celebrate exactly eleven years since we lost Uncle, but we got a little angel.” Said Aunty.
“Thanks, Mom” Said Spudley.
“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Spudley.” Said Aunty. “I was talking about Perry.”
“Thanks, Aunty.” Said Perry.
‘I should have known she wasn’t complementing me.’ Thought Spudley.
“I heard that.” Said Aunty.
“How?! I thought it!” Said Spudley.
“I read the past couple of lines to kill some time.” Said Aunty.
“Poo!” Said Spudley. “I hate that writer. He makes my mom read everything I say.”
“I heard that.” I said.
“Poo!” Said Spudley.
“Enough with the profanity, Spudley!” Yelled Perry.
“Poo.” Said Spudley.
“That’s it!!” Yelled Perry. He jumped on Spudley and started strangling him. “Get him, Perry! Kill that little poopy!” Yelled Aunty.
"Excuse me." I said.
"Yes?" Asked Aunty.
"Could you quiet down a bit? I'm trying to write a book." I replied. I got back to writing as they continued their lives.
“The writer is a really weird." Said Spudley.
“Don’t start with me.” I said.
“Okay.” Said Spudley.

“We are going to the zoo today.” Said Aunty.
“It’s enough of a zoo in here already.” I said.
They got packed up and got in the car. They drove for a while.
“Are we there yet?” Asked Spudley.
“Shut the poo up, Spudley.” Said Aunty.
“Let me handle this.” Said Perry. “Are we there yet?”
“No, Dear.” Said Aunty. “Not yet.”
They pulled into the parking lot. “We’re here!” Spudley exclaimed.
“Shut up, Spudley. Or I’ll make you stay in the car.” Said Aunty.
“Can we get those frozen ice cream dots while we’re here, Aunty?” Asked Perry.
“Anything for you, Perry.” Said Aunty. They got ice cream dots and didn’t give any to Spudley. “Hey, Spudley. This is your best birthday ever.” Said Perry. They found the alligator exhibit. Perry pushed Spudley in. Spudley limped behind Perry and Aunty on the way to the lion exhibit. After the lions, Spudley wheel chaired behind Perry and Aunty to the tigers. After that, Spudley was hooked up to an I.V. They made it to the insect house when the tarantulas escaped. Spudley needed a cast on his left leg. The scorpions escaped and Spudley then needed a right leg cast. “This is killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Quit whining, Spudley!” Said Aunty. They went to the gorilla exhibit. “Hey. That looks like the gorilla that shattered the glass in Milwaukee.” Said Perry.
“Yeah. But he’s dead now.” Said Aunty.
“Samson was one poo of a monkey.” Said Spudley.
“Spudley! You idiot! Samson was an ape! Not a monkey! By the way, shut up or I’ll send you to the car!” Said Aunty.
“We shouldn’t have brought him.” Said Perry.
“But it’s my birthday.” Said Spudley.
“Shut up, Spudley! Don’t be an idiot!” Said Aunty. They went to the Sasquatch exhibit. Spudley needed a right arm cast. They went to the Loch Ness Monster exhibit. Spudley needed a left arm cast. They went to the Kraken exhibit. Spudley needed a neck brace. “This is really killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Want some painkillers?” I asked.
“Is this going to be a regular thing with you?” Spudley asked.
“Maybe, maybe not.” I said. “I could be a professor at your school, I might not.”
“Professor? School? What?!” Spudley asked.
“I forgot. I haven’t gotten that far.” I said. “I hope I didn’t give away any spoilers.”
“I have a question.” Said Spudley.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Why were Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and the Kraken in the zoo?” Asked Spudley.
“It’ll be explained in a later chapter.” I said.
“Ok.” Said Spudley. They finally made it to the alligators again. Spudley decided to jump in this time to end his suffering. This part is too graphic and bloody to describe in a story like this, so it must be censored. All I can say is that they had to get the National Guard, the Navy, the Army, the Marines and me to pull him out. “NOOOOO!! WHY DID YOU PULL ME OUT?!! WHY?!!” Yelled Spudley.
“No, Spudley. Don’t kill yourself. You aren’t good enough to get off easy.” Said Aunty. They made it to the shark pool. Perry pushed Spudley into this one, too. Spudley made it out. “Why, Perry? Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Because nobody likes you.” Said Perry. They made it to the worm exhibit. Spudley pressed his face against the glass of the cage, wishing he was in there rather than out here where Aunty and Perry are. Spudley’s weight then caused the glass to shatter as he fell into the cage. The worm sat up and looked at Perry. “Uh. Hi.” Said Perry.
“Well howdy-do.” Said the worm. “Where’s you from?”
“New Jersey.” Said Perry. “Where are you from?”
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I’s born right here. I’m an earthworm. Well, half earthworm. My mammy was an earthworm, my pappy was a tapeworm. It’s very compleecatered. What kinda hoomin is you?”
“Um, New Jersian. Well, half New Jersian. My mom was from New Jersey, my dad was from Phillips. It’s complicated.” Said Perry.
“Phillips? What state?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin.” Said Perry.
“Where?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin!” Said Perry.
“Never heard of it.” Said the worm. “Is it close to Green Bay?” Perry stood there with his mouth open. “Yes.” Said Perry.
“Oh. Now I know where yer talkin’ ‘bout. I thought that state was just for beer, hunting and cheese. I di’n’t know people actually live there.” Said the worm.
“Yeah. People live there.” Said Perry.
“How many cows were on yer daddies farm?” Asked the worm.
“He didn’t have any cows or a farm.” Said Perry.
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I thought everyone in Wisconsin had a farm.”
“Nope.” Said Perry.
“Well. I’d better git goin’.” Said the worm. “See ya later, ya stupid hick.” The worm slithered away quietly. “You talk to worms?” Asked Spudley.
“Yeah. I guess I do.” Said Perry. They went out to the car after a long day at the zoo and went home.

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