Monday, August 16, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter Two: In Which Perry Visits the Bank

Perry Flopper and the Witch’s Kidney Stone
Chapter Two: In Which Perry Visits the Bank

Monday is boring. I mean bo-ring. Triple d-l-h. What does that spell? That’s right, dddlh. But we are talking about how boring Monday’s are. Well, the mail came. That was kind of boring. Perry got the mail and looked at it. Bills, bills, bills, bills and a letter that said ‘Mr. P. Flopper, Aunty’s House, Snowberry Blvd.’ It wasn’t that exciting… Wait! A letter signed for Perry?! That’s really exciting. It was so exciting that Perry threw up. Spudley slipped in Perry’s barf and when he realized happened, he barfed, too. Then, Aunty barfed just because I think it’s funny. “I got a letter!” Yelled Perry. He put the bills in the paper shredder and went to Aunty. “Perry K. Flopper! Did you just put the bills in the paper shredder?!” Asked Aunty.
“Yes, Aunty.” Said Perry.
“Good boy.” Said Aunty. “Now, what is it that you want, dear?”
“I have a letter. I want to read it.” Said Perry.
“Alright, dear.” Said Aunty. “Spudley!! You miserable little poopy!! Get down here!!”
“Coming!!” Said Spudley. He made it down stairs and Aunty slapped him. “Dear Mr. Perry Korneelius Flopper. We would be glad to accept you at Frogwarts School of Stitchcraft and Wizardry. You are attending whether you like it or not. We already went through the trouble of sending someone to get you. Signed, -Minnie Mongolia. P.S. Spudley’s invited, too. ;)” Read Perry. “Can I go? Huh??”
“Yes. Whatever makes you happy.” Said Aunty. “But, please. Take Spudley with you. I hate that little poopy.”
“I’m sitting right here. I can hear everything you’re saying.” Said Spudley.
“Yes, I know.” Said Aunty. Suddenly, the door came down and a tall, hairy man walked inside. “Who are you?” Asked Perry.
“I’m Earwig. I dropped ye off here when ye was just a wee tike.” Said the man.
“Dropped him off? Dropped him off?!! I was forced to buy him from you!!!” Yelled Aunty with enormous fury and rage.
“Ooh. I hate repeat customers.” Said Earwig. “Alrighty, let’s go.”
“Our bags aren’t packed.” Said Perry.
“Yeah they are. They’re in the car.” Said Earwig. “Let’s go.” Perry, Spudley and Earwig hopped in the car and drove all the way to Washington, D.C. They drove straight at the Washington Monument. “What are you doing?! We’re gonna crash!!” Yelled Spudley. Perry and Spudley closed their eyes and when they opened them, they were in a large parking lot. Washington seems to have disappeared. All Perry saw was a street with lots of people and little shops. Spudley still had his eyes closed and was praying. “Spudley. Spudley!” Perry got no response. He got in real close to Spudley’s ear. “Hey!! Spudley!!!” Screamed Perry.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Spudley in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Earwig in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” Screamed Perry in fright.
“Aaaah!!!” They all screamed in fright.
“What?!!!” Asked Spudley.
“What do you mean ‘what’?” Yelled Perry.
“What do you want?” Yelled Spudley.
“We’re here, Boogerbag!!” Yelled Perry.
“Is your cell phone ringing, Earwig?” Asked Spudley.
“I don’t have a cell phone.” Said Earwig. Spudley turned to Perry. “Don’t look at me.” Said Perry.
“There’s nothing ringing, Spudley.” Said Earwig.
“Oh.” Said Spudley. Spudley barfed. They got out of the car and walked toward the shops. “Here we are. Horizont Alley.” Said Earwig. “Ye’re gonna buy all yer school supplies here.”
“How are we going to pay for it?” Asked Spudley.
“We go to Baggy Shorts Bank. They have everyone’s money there.” Said Earwig. They walked to the door of the bank and stopped. “Why did we stop?” Asked Spudley.
“Shhh.” I said. “This is my favorite part.” Earwig took out three ski masks and gave two to Perry and Spudley. “Put these on.” He said.
“Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Just do it.” Said Perry. They all put the masks on and Earwig took out a toy gun. They walked in and Earwig fired the gun. “Nobody get any funny ideas!” Said Earwig.
“Aaaah! He’s got a toy gun!” Yelled the goblins running the bank. Earwig pointed the gun at the goblin. “What do you want?” Asked the head goblin.
“Everything.” Said Earwig. “Especially what’s in Vault 90210.”
“Oh my. How did you know about that?” Asked the head goblin.
“Just do it.” Said Earwig. The head goblin brought them to every single vault. All one hundred gazillion of them. Then they reached Vault 90210. The last vault. The head goblin opened the door and Earwig shot him with the toy gun. The goblin dropped dead. Earwig went in and took the tiny sack inside. They shot all the goblins and killed them with the toy gun. They left the bank and headed into the street. “What was with the whole ‘Vault 90210’ thing?” Asked Perry as they took the masks off.
“Some questions are better left unanswered.” Said Earwig. Perry boggled his mind trying to figure things out. “How do you know what I’m doing?” Asked Perry.
“Because I’m the writer. I know everything.” I said.
“Oh. Yeah.” Said Perry.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Perry Flopper and the Witch's Kidney Stone Chapter One: In Which Perry Goes to the Worm Exhibit

“Today we celebrate exactly eleven years since we lost Uncle, but we got a little angel.” Said Aunty.
“Thanks, Mom” Said Spudley.
“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Spudley.” Said Aunty. “I was talking about Perry.”
“Thanks, Aunty.” Said Perry.
‘I should have known she wasn’t complementing me.’ Thought Spudley.
“I heard that.” Said Aunty.
“How?! I thought it!” Said Spudley.
“I read the past couple of lines to kill some time.” Said Aunty.
“Poo!” Said Spudley. “I hate that writer. He makes my mom read everything I say.”
“I heard that.” I said.
“Poo!” Said Spudley.
“Enough with the profanity, Spudley!” Yelled Perry.
“Poo.” Said Spudley.
“That’s it!!” Yelled Perry. He jumped on Spudley and started strangling him. “Get him, Perry! Kill that little poopy!” Yelled Aunty.
"Excuse me." I said.
"Yes?" Asked Aunty.
"Could you quiet down a bit? I'm trying to write a book." I replied. I got back to writing as they continued their lives.
“The writer is a really weird." Said Spudley.
“Don’t start with me.” I said.
“Okay.” Said Spudley.

“We are going to the zoo today.” Said Aunty.
“It’s enough of a zoo in here already.” I said.
They got packed up and got in the car. They drove for a while.
“Are we there yet?” Asked Spudley.
“Shut the poo up, Spudley.” Said Aunty.
“Let me handle this.” Said Perry. “Are we there yet?”
“No, Dear.” Said Aunty. “Not yet.”
They pulled into the parking lot. “We’re here!” Spudley exclaimed.
“Shut up, Spudley. Or I’ll make you stay in the car.” Said Aunty.
“Can we get those frozen ice cream dots while we’re here, Aunty?” Asked Perry.
“Anything for you, Perry.” Said Aunty. They got ice cream dots and didn’t give any to Spudley. “Hey, Spudley. This is your best birthday ever.” Said Perry. They found the alligator exhibit. Perry pushed Spudley in. Spudley limped behind Perry and Aunty on the way to the lion exhibit. After the lions, Spudley wheel chaired behind Perry and Aunty to the tigers. After that, Spudley was hooked up to an I.V. They made it to the insect house when the tarantulas escaped. Spudley needed a cast on his left leg. The scorpions escaped and Spudley then needed a right leg cast. “This is killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Quit whining, Spudley!” Said Aunty. They went to the gorilla exhibit. “Hey. That looks like the gorilla that shattered the glass in Milwaukee.” Said Perry.
“Yeah. But he’s dead now.” Said Aunty.
“Samson was one poo of a monkey.” Said Spudley.
“Spudley! You idiot! Samson was an ape! Not a monkey! By the way, shut up or I’ll send you to the car!” Said Aunty.
“We shouldn’t have brought him.” Said Perry.
“But it’s my birthday.” Said Spudley.
“Shut up, Spudley! Don’t be an idiot!” Said Aunty. They went to the Sasquatch exhibit. Spudley needed a right arm cast. They went to the Loch Ness Monster exhibit. Spudley needed a left arm cast. They went to the Kraken exhibit. Spudley needed a neck brace. “This is really killing me.” Said Spudley.
“Want some painkillers?” I asked.
“Is this going to be a regular thing with you?” Spudley asked.
“Maybe, maybe not.” I said. “I could be a professor at your school, I might not.”
“Professor? School? What?!” Spudley asked.
“I forgot. I haven’t gotten that far.” I said. “I hope I didn’t give away any spoilers.”
“I have a question.” Said Spudley.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Why were Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and the Kraken in the zoo?” Asked Spudley.
“It’ll be explained in a later chapter.” I said.
“Ok.” Said Spudley. They finally made it to the alligators again. Spudley decided to jump in this time to end his suffering. This part is too graphic and bloody to describe in a story like this, so it must be censored. All I can say is that they had to get the National Guard, the Navy, the Army, the Marines and me to pull him out. “NOOOOO!! WHY DID YOU PULL ME OUT?!! WHY?!!” Yelled Spudley.
“No, Spudley. Don’t kill yourself. You aren’t good enough to get off easy.” Said Aunty. They made it to the shark pool. Perry pushed Spudley into this one, too. Spudley made it out. “Why, Perry? Why?” Asked Spudley.
“Because nobody likes you.” Said Perry. They made it to the worm exhibit. Spudley pressed his face against the glass of the cage, wishing he was in there rather than out here where Aunty and Perry are. Spudley’s weight then caused the glass to shatter as he fell into the cage. The worm sat up and looked at Perry. “Uh. Hi.” Said Perry.
“Well howdy-do.” Said the worm. “Where’s you from?”
“New Jersey.” Said Perry. “Where are you from?”
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I’s born right here. I’m an earthworm. Well, half earthworm. My mammy was an earthworm, my pappy was a tapeworm. It’s very compleecatered. What kinda hoomin is you?”
“Um, New Jersian. Well, half New Jersian. My mom was from New Jersey, my dad was from Phillips. It’s complicated.” Said Perry.
“Phillips? What state?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin.” Said Perry.
“Where?” Asked the worm.
“Wisconsin!” Said Perry.
“Never heard of it.” Said the worm. “Is it close to Green Bay?” Perry stood there with his mouth open. “Yes.” Said Perry.
“Oh. Now I know where yer talkin’ ‘bout. I thought that state was just for beer, hunting and cheese. I di’n’t know people actually live there.” Said the worm.
“Yeah. People live there.” Said Perry.
“How many cows were on yer daddies farm?” Asked the worm.
“He didn’t have any cows or a farm.” Said Perry.
“Oh.” Said the worm. “I thought everyone in Wisconsin had a farm.”
“Nope.” Said Perry.
“Well. I’d better git goin’.” Said the worm. “See ya later, ya stupid hick.” The worm slithered away quietly. “You talk to worms?” Asked Spudley.
“Yeah. I guess I do.” Said Perry. They went out to the car after a long day at the zoo and went home.